Another October coming!!

It's been 8 years!!

It was Thursday the 5th of October,2000. I was getting ready to play squash at the Oakleigh Club in East Oakleigh, which is 10 minutes drive from our home in East Bentleigh. I was not in a good frame of mind to play the game, as my mother was seriously sick, back in India and I was doing an in between contract. I didn't really want to play but since I committed to my team mates that I am available to play that week, I decided to go. It's around 4pm, I am packing my kit then the phone suddenly rang. I asked my wife Mini to pick up the phone, but she was busy looking after our little girl Tanya, who was 3 years old and a very stubborn little girl. So, I went and picked up the phone, it was my brother Binny on the phone. I said Hello, my brothers voice hesitated on the other side of the phone, suddenly he said, "Chachan, mummy died 9.30am"! For a moment there was a stunned silence between us...a lot of thoughts flashed through my mind. Out of the blue I replied to my brother, "hey we both are now orphans!!" Emotions were overflowing....I felt a numbness, a total detachment from the emotional side of the death in the family, of our dearest mother!! Suddenly I asked my brother, "What are your plans, I want our mother to be buried soon, I am not coming. It will take me 2 days to get there and it was our parents wish that they never wanted to be kept in a mortuary. So, make arragements for the funeral". My brother hung up saying that he need to go so that he can inform all our relatives and make arrangements.

By then Mini came to me asking about the call. I turned to her and said, "Hey, I have become an orphan now, mom is gone!!" Her blank stare pierced me...may be she was shocked to see the cold and blunt way I conveyed the news. She came and hugged me. I was totally numb. I told her, "hey I have to go play this game". To which her reply was should I go play. I said I have to, I made a commitment and I have to honour it. In 5 minutes I was in my Toyota Cressida driving to the club. I was playing for F troop at no.2. I didn't tell anyone about what happened. It was business as usual, when my turn came I just went down to the court and just demolished my opponent in less than 20 minutes. We won the night 3-1, everybody was happy. After the game we all went to shower and change. As we came out of the change rooms, I told my good friend and team mate Daryll that I am not staying for supper. Doug, our non-playing captain came running to me to see why I want to leave early. I just took him and Daryll aside and told them that my mother has just passed away and I am not in any shape to socialise. I still see the bewilderment on the faces of Daryll and Doug. I got into my car and drove back home. On the way I was thinking about my mother, how I left her back home a healthy person and how our lives changed in the last one and half years!! She was suffering from breast cancer, secondary cancer to her lungs. In a way an end was a relief to her. Many years later I learned from sister that my mother breathed her last longing to see her first born!! I just couldn't fulfill her last wish and I left my mother distraught. I am living a guilt ridden life ever since, 8 years on the wounds are still fresh, I bleed, I hurt every moment when I think of my mother!!
When my father passed away, in the following weeks when we were trying to recover from the shock of dad's passing. On one morning while I was having my morning tea, my mother and I entered into a conversation about after life. I still vividly remember that conversation where we made an agreement that whoever dies first, and if there is way to come back to communicate, we will do it. We both were grief stricken at dad's sudden demise and it seemed like a good thing to talk about it. On that night of 5th October, 2000 when I was driving back that very conversation kept ringing in my ears...8 years on I still miss you mamma, if you see me or if you can feel me, please know that I loved you and I still love you. My wounds are still deep and fresh...and I will never be at peace as long as I live mummy...Another October is coming.....